Wednesday, January 10, 2007

Reason To Take Morphine And Die #1: People's Choice Awards

Everyone knows "we" "The People" are dumber than shit. So why would Procter & Gamble and CBS entrust "us" (buffaloed fuckwits) with the ungainly responsibility of conceding the trophy for People's Choice Favorite Hair of 2004 to Jennifer Garner?

...or why even stop there?

Let's Us Unwashed Masses go positively nutty and voice our choice for each and every celeb thought or summation, yay or nay, that crosses our silly little minds?

People's Choice For Best Glimpse Of Celebrity Naughty Bit: Kid Rock and That Christian Guy From Creed In That Streaming Sex Video Where The Christian Guy Got Head And Kid Rock Got His Bunghole Fingered.

People's Choice For Woefully Busted And Now Ostensibly Humbled "Please Still Love Me" Drunken Celebrity Mugshot: Melvin Gibson.

People's Choice For Most Asstarded Sample Ever: "Lonely Goatherd" (Gwen Stefani's 'Wind It Up')

People's Choice For Most Useless Celebrity The World Has Ever Suffered: Andy Dick (Obvious victor Paris Hilton disqualified due to complicated unilateral corporate sponsorship bylaws etc. etc.)

People's Choice For Comedian Who Sucks So Much Ass The Only Sincere Laugh This Guy Has Ever Heard Was Scratched From The Nicotine Ravaged Throat Of A New Jersey She-Male After He/She Spooged In Unfunny Dude's Eyeball: Jay Leno

People's Choice For Most Egregious Lack Of Max Factor: Judi Dench as That Fucking Lesbian Bitch in 'Notes On A Scandal'.

There doesn't seem to be a Darwinian logic to Award Shows. None of them mutate or fall off, they just multiply. I remember discovering the Oscars back in 1973 and I thought to myself 'well holy fuck, they give little gold naked guys with nice butts to little 10 year old girls in tuxedos' (Tatum O' Neal, Best Supporting Actress, 'Paper Moon')...but then the next year The Academy decided 70-something Art Carney's about-face performance playing a stoic old dude in 'Harry And Tonto' was far more compelling than Al Pacino phoning it in in 'Godfather Part II' or Jack Nicholson's pedestrian turn in 'Chinatown' and I thought to myself 'well fuck it. I'll spare myself the heartache and take it all with a grain of salt." And so it came to pass. Every year an A-Ha wins a Grammy for Best New Artist, or a Pia Zadora wins a Golden Globe, or a 'Crash' wins an Oscar, or a Nickelback wins a People's Choice Award for Lifetime Acheivement or who can keep track anymore.

My own personal Pony's Choice Award goes to Clem Snide for having the wit and the courage to record Christina Aguilera's 'Beautiful' utterly straight-faced.

Good for you, Eef and Company!

No comments: