Thursday, April 26, 2007

I Can Has Morphine And Die Now Plz: The Rise And Rise Of Kittah-Speak.

The beauty of 'Kittah', an internet-born-and-bred pidgin language so fuct that no one can actually speak it, or if they tried, they'd be clobbered fast and hard and then quite probably find themselves ass-raped over a sawhorse behind the nearest Shell that it makes perfect sense. Why? Because our monkey-brains think in 'Kittah' (think Cartman saying the word 'kitty') when we want something immediately. Example:

"I Can Has Tax Refund Now, Plz, Thx."

But 'Kittah' is best expressed starkly outlined over cute kitty/doggy pics or photoshopped fuct-upedness cadged from the internets. Example:

Anyone who has ever engaged in a flame-war on The Webs has probably had a LOLGay or a LOLKitty fired back at them, and if your virtual-nemesis was twelve or under you've more than likely been 'pwnd!' as a photoshopped sniper-kitty picks off victims from a bell-tower or Dallas Book Depository. Bill O'Reilly's 'No Spin Zone' should be transcriped in Kittah for his mentally-challenged fanbase, because nothing shuts down a thoughtful discussion quicker than Kittah-speak("douche plzkthx.") and/or a sniper-kitty wipe.

If you find yourself craving more exposure to LOLCats and LOLGays, go here:

If you would like to participate in a LOLCat or LOLGay "discussion", go here:

Hating Kittah is like hating Dada, Warhol or Nancy Grace because, in the end, you know what? You can't unring a bell: It's out there, it's happened. Deal with it.

I blame Paul McCartney for all of this. Note his declension of "Mademoiselle Kitty" in his long-forgotten stab at glam rock: "Venus And Mars Rock Show".

"Madmwahzell Kitty...Kittay...Kittah...A-Ha!"

I has never liked Paul McCartney anywayz.

P.S. - Kittah 101: Translate Alec Baldwin's loving paternal voicemail to German (via Babel Fish Translator...Google it) and then translate it back to English and you get what looks like Kittah Basics:

Once again, I have larva ate OF on myself trying tons of GET tons of A phone. You have larva ate out ME OF on for the read time. Three letters: ABA. A, Always, B, A, Answering. Always answering. Always answering. AIDA. Attention. Interest. Decision. Action. Attention. DO I have your attention? Interest. Acres you interested? I know you acres ' cause it's pick UP the phone or GET your ate straightened out. You to who or you GET hit with A brick. Decision. Have you larva your decision tons pick UP the phone? And action. AIDA. Pick UP the goddamn phone. You got A call coming in, you think I larva it because I've got emergency-hung better tons of DO? I could shouting shit RK random people on the street, but I'm calling you. I don't care that you're twelve or eleven or more whatever, acres you pig enough tons pick it UP? I'm A good more father, and you're A pig. I don't give A shit. Good more father. You think this is abuse? You think this is abuse, you thoughtless pain into the ate? AIDA. GET WAD you daughter OF A bitch. GET WAD. You know what it takes ton to who my call? It of takes brass ball ton to who my call. Go and DO likewise. The phone is ringing, you pick it UP, it's yours, you don't, I got NO sympathy for you. I'd wish you good luck, but you wouldn't know what tons of DO with it if you got it. You more better ready Friday the 20th ton meet with ME. Pig. Oh, thus, tell your mother I said "Go fuck yourself." This is Dad, ring ME bake when you GET A chance.

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